Shattered Reflections
by Green Hat
Summary: We all deal with crises in differnt ways, but only some of us know when to ask for help.... Why did you leave us?
1. Grief

Disclaimer: I own nothing

What could have happened if Falco didn't return after the Andross battle? Loosely based around my other fic, the Behemoth, with each chapter from a different character's perspective.

**Shattered Reflections**

**Grief**

Its dark, but not because its night. A harsh storm battles away in the skies. The sea tosses its head in furious white crests and beats itself against the shore. Occasionally bright lightning cracks the sky, roaring like a beast. All the while rain pelts down. In the distance the grey sea rises up to meet the grey sky, they merge together so that I can't tell where one begins and the other ends. I shout at the storm:  
"Stop raining! Go away, let me see the sun! I'm tired of the rain…"  
It thunders back, louder than _my _voice can ever be, especially now, I seem to have been shouting a lot lately… I'm soaked through; the soil beneath my feet has turned to mud. I'm not wearing any boots, I'm standing in stolen clothes, boots were one thing I forgot, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I'm cold; I stopped shivering a long time ago. They say that's a bad sign… I don't mind being cold, at least that way I feel _something…_does that make me a monster? What am I turning into?

I'm alone. I have been for a long time; I grow tired of that too… it seemed like a good idea… at the time… like all these things… But they're here now, I can still feel _her_. Above, a distant light in the sky bodes company, such as I'm not sure I'll welcome. Even now the storm rages on, oblivious to me. I'm small, insignificant, no matter how hard I try to make a difference… I only seem to make things worse… Everything I touch seems to break… or turn to dust in my hands.

He's here, why did they send him? Of all the people in the Federation he's probably the last one I want to see.  
"Hey Lombardi! What _are _you doing? You can't change the weather, or have you lost your mind as well as any other redeeming factor that made you any more than a waste of skin?"  
Charming, isn't he. But then, he's always known exactly how to make me angry… furious, and I don't anger easily, especially not now. I hate him! And yet… I know… deep down another part of me cares about him… Though I don't understand why… maybe after 8 years it did get personal… Maybe he's right. I think I have lost my mind. I can hear him walking up to stand next to me; his feet are squelching the mud. He's by my side… again… that's comforting, though I'd rather if it wasn't, it would be easier that way. I keep staring out at the sea. I refuse to look at him, but still I can see him out of the corner of my eye. Dressed in all the latest stuff as usual, he's never wanted for anything. No matter how hard it got for those around him he always got what he wanted, _he _never had to go without, even when that destroyed the rest of us.

Why do you look at me like that? It's somewhere between loathing and approval, I've never understood exactly where… Sometimes I think you hate me, and other times I get an entirely different impression, I'm not sure I like either of those. You frighten me sometimes… I of all people know all you're capable of, having been on the wrong end of it… more than once. He's looking me up and down now, like he's assessing me… like I'm not worthy to even stand in his presence, just a waste of skin huh? Maybe he's right... but I don't bow to anyone, especially not him… at least… not anymore. I don't think I _could_ bow even if I wanted to. He can't see that, he's never been the most perceptive, I could have been dead and he wouldn't have noticed, funny really… isn't it? I'm not sure anymore. I think… part of me is dead… It died with the others… that seems like an eternity ago… but its not. It can't have been, the mortal are still alive… he proves that, I was beginning to wonder if I was in hell. I guess I'm not… why would he be here? The famous hero… I can't possibly be in heaven…

I like storms… I like the rain… kind of. The rain is fine when you have somewhere warm to hide from it… I don't, but what does that matter now? I like it because it reminds me I'm not in a cage… pain suffering and death… that's the price of freedom… or so they say… ugh… Civilians… they don't know what they're talking about… yet… even they have seen war these years… and they seem destined to see more… That's my fault too… Do you think he would hate me more if he really knew everything I'm responsible for? The things I was supposed to do, but didn't because I was too afraid… or too weak… weak. …I can't even defend myself, let alone anyone else. I always needed someone to rescue me. Maybe I _can't_ look after myself. He'd never stop laughing if I told him what I'm thinking. Ugh… maybe I should punch him in the head… I don't think that would go down too well… He's bigger than me, and stronger… always has been, guess he probably always will be too… If I live long enough to find out. It still hurts.  
"Peppy told me to come. He said I should apologise, personally I think you owe _me_ the apology"  
He's always been like that, he's never apologised, even when he broke my bones, but that wasn't the worst hurts he gave me… but we won't go into that.  
"Frankly I'm here for him, not you"  
He doesn't look at me. Maybe I don't deserve to meet his eyes…  
"If you care about him you'll come back. Mind you if you cared about us you would never have left"  
He said "us"…  
"I'll say sorry, if it will make you come back"  
I'd like to go home, I care more for them than he can ever understand, but I don't want to hurt them. I just hurt everyone I get close to.  
"I'm… sorry Falco… I was angry… I didn't mean what I said. I do miss you, I want you home almost as much as Peppy does, but that would be hard."  
He's smiling at me, that familiar, almost, coy smile. I'm loosing control. I'm starting to shake, my legs are going like jelly. I can't, not in front of him.  
"Falco… you ok?"  
What a question, so many things I could answer in response, most prominently no, but I can't speak past the lump in my throat.  
"Falco, are you crying?"  
You tell me. I don't know, I stopped noticing.  
"Falco…"  
He comes closer, looking intently at me. Fox McCloud is that _compassion _I see in your eyes? He's reaching out to touch me. I'm afraid of that. Touch is pain to my twisted senses. I'm terrified of it. I want to run away, like I always do, but my legs, like jelly won't move, like before… when I just sat there and let them do what they wanted. He's caught hold of my arm. Part of me wants to rip away, fight him off, if it came to conflict he'd win of course. Another part of me is willing to submit entirely to his will. I'm so tired of fighting, I can't do it anymore. My legs! They're going!

He caught me. I think I surprised him. I didn't do it on purpose. This is the last thing I wanted, he'll laugh at me for this, I know it, once he gets over the shock. I don't care anymore. I just don't want to be cold, wet and hungry for a while and if he can offer me that so be it. I am crying now. It hurts my chest. That's nothing new. I've put him in an awkward position. He doesn't know what to do with himself, what to do with me. As a matter of fact neither do I.  
"Falco you're soaking"  
He sounds like father. Of all people I don't want him to be like him, he was a monster. Fox isn't. At least I hope not, or I'd be going back to what I thought I had escaped from. Wait, what is he doing? He's wrapping his coat around me… but… you'll get wet. I don't want you to get sick on my account. I hate to see you suffer… What's he doing now? I think he's trying to rub warmth back into me, my arms. That's a hopeless task, it feels as though the lasts of the warmth went out of me when… they… died… and left me to face the world alone… face them.  
"You're like a giant blue ice cube!"  
He's laughing at me, but softly, not in that mocking way he used to, kind, inviting me to join in… almost like a puppy begging to play. He's wagging his tail. I find myself smiling at that… I'm not ready to laugh… not yet. His warmth reminds me how cold I really am. The feeling's started coming back in my limbs… and for a moment I hate him for that. He doesn't mean to hurt me. He's trying to help. I'm shivering. Maybe that's a sign of life coming back to me… now I don't feel quite so… dead?  
"I've... missed you"  
That took me totally by surprise. I guess I must look shocked. He looks hurt… perhaps that I don't know he cares… or for another reason my mind is too blurred to understand. The cold seems to be clinging to me now, like a mist. Swirling round my mind, almost, intoxicating. Like Fox when he's drunk, but this seems to hurt more than any hangover… not that I have much experience… I've had enough pain from alcohol. He's talking on his comm. his words are lost to me… I don't know why… I just can't hear them. The mist seems to be growing thicker… like a warm blanket…  
"Hey, you still with me buddy?"  
Huh, what… ugh. Where's he takin' me… to an Arwing… His. Under the wing… its dryer. I'm so cold…. So tired…  
"Falco come on! Stay awake!"  
But I don't want to…  
"Talk to me buddy, come on, you like to shout at me!"  
Actually… I don't…  
"I told you stay awake! Don't you dare go to sleep!"  
He sounds panicked… what's he so worried about?  
"Come on Falco… Please hold on! If you go to sleep now… you won't wake up again!"  
Wats 'e soo worried about… there's notin' wrong with me…  
"Peppy… make it quick ok?"  
His voice is distant… I hardly hear it….


	2. Resentment

**Resentment **

Of all the places in the Federation why did he choose this one? Probably to make my life difficult. Ahh! I'll kill him when I see him! I'll teach him a lesson for this. He's always been Peppy's favourite. Everything's always my fault. It's not fair. Peppy wouldn't worry about me if I was in his place. This really is a foul world. Soaking wet, cold, empty, probably smells too. That'll be why Falco likes it. Oh there he is. Standing at the edge of a cliff, maybe I can push him over it. Strange… he didn't even look up at me as I flew over. He's ignoring me. How typical, we're better off without him. I wouldn't be here if Peppy hadn't sent me… Although I do owe him one for saving my ass, but really this is going too far!

What is he wearing? He looks like he's been dragged through a black hole backwards. He'd probably enjoy doing something like that. He only flies with us because he gets a kick out of it, and he had the nerve to talk to me about not believing in the cause! Ugh! He must be able to hear me coming, but he isn't looking round, _we were always taught to watch our backs_, I don't suppose he stands by the old rules anymore. He's always been better than the rules anyway. I suppose I'd better try and say something, at least then _I_ won't be the one lying to Peppy… what's he doing, shouting at the thunderstorm? How stupid is that?  
"Hey Lombardi, What _are _you doing? You can't change the weather, or have you lost your mind as well as any other redeeming factor that made you any more than a waste of skin?"  
Like for like he couldn't call me Fox before so why should I call him by name? I walk up next to him, he's still refusing to look at me. There seems to be something very interesting to him on the horizon… he's pretending, he thinks I don't notice him looking at me out of the corner of his eye… Why did he leave? Did he really think I was serious when I told him to get out? He's probably just using it as an excuse to get me in trouble.  
"Peppy told me to come. He said I should apologise, personally I think you owe _me_ the apology"  
That's right. Peppy worked real hard to make me feel guilty… at least to begin with. I suppose everyone can jump to conclusions… he said sorry later and that he didn't mean it, but I can't forget the things he said. I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with you. Angry for the hurt you caused.  
"Frankly I'm here for him, not you"  
I don't care what you decide; I just don't want to see him so upset anymore.  
"If you care about him you'll come back. Mind you if you cared about us you would never have left"  
Something flickered in your eyes then, and I wonder if maybe I touched a bone. I find myself feeling… I don't know… maybe regret… sympathy… I'm not really sure… it hurts… kind of… I just know I don't want to be angry anymore. It's been a long time…  
"I'll say sorry, if it will make you come back"  
Peppy wants you home… maybe… I do too  
"I'm… sorry Falco… I was angry… I didn't mean what I said. I do miss you, I want you home almost as much as Peppy does, but that would be hard."  
I find I mean that, with more of my heart and sincerity than I ever thought possible. There's something wrong with you, I can see it, now that I take the time to look. You seem… different… and I am left wondering what you've been doing since you left us. By the look of you it wasn't anything nice…  
"Falco… you ok?"  
I really am troubled now. You're swaying on you feet. How long has it been since someone showed any concern for you, showed you kindness. I think… Falco Lombardi… are you crying? Not since I was twelve have I seen you cry… I'm not sure if you are, you're so wet from this damn storm.  
"Falco are you crying?"  
You are. Now I really do feel for you. Is it my fault you're so upset, I hope not… I swear I don't mean to make you _cry_! I want to make this right, just tell me, show me how; you seem to have lost your voice. I want to comfort you… but I don't know how. I've never been able to find the words… at least not for you. You've always been able to put our differences aside when I needed a helping hand-maybe that makes you a better person than me… Eight years we've been friends and I still don't know what to do to comfort you, or maybe I just can't bring myself to do and say the things that need to be. And they used to call you the proud one…  
"Falco…"  
I still can't find the right words for you, but maybe words aren't what's needed now, I don't know you'd hear me over the thunder anyway… What the?  
I suppose you made the decision for me. Or did I make it? I won't let you fall, even if I have to carry you. I find myself not just holding you up, but actually hugging you… have I _ever_ done that before? I wonder how many of my friends would laugh at me if they could see… Actually I don't care. That's their problem. You're so cold… and wet. It frightens me… I've seen people die of hyperthermia… and so have you… probably more than I have…  
"Falco you're soaking"  
I'm good at stating the obvious aren't I? I'm taking my coat off and I find myself wrapping it around you, hell you need it more than I do, then rubbing your arms, trying to get some warmth back into you. It must have been a long time for you to grow this cold. You're shivering, that's a good sign! And… wincing too against some pain I can't see or feel.  
"You're like a giant blue ice cube"  
I laugh, I want you to laugh with me, we used to do that a lot, when we weren't trying to kill one another. I want you to laugh, or at least talk to me. You're so still, and quiet, just shaking in my arms. My words earn a smile, which I return, it's a start… of what I see will be a long and… hard road; somehow I know I don't appreciate how hard it will be… I don't want to know what happened while you were… _away_… what made _you_ like _this._ I think it's the stuff of nightmares.  
"I've missed you"  
There's surprise in your eyes. That hurts me more than any cruel words you could ever say… that maybe you don't know I care about you, or… that in eight years I've never been able to tell you. I'd better call us a ride, you're in no fit state to fly.  
"Peppy, can you bring the two-seat, I think Falco needs a lift"  
A pause then a response  
"Sure thing Foxy… thanks"  
Your eyes are closing, you're going limp in my arms now, and the shivering has stopped again… No… Don't you dare!  
"Hey, you still with me buddy?"  
You open your eyes again, but they are distant, I know you don't see me properly. We have to get out of this storm, to where it's warmer and dryer. My Arwing, under the wing… come on, I'll carry you if I have to.  
It's dryer here. The rain can't hit us. I could put you in the cockpit, but there's not room for both of us, and I'm not wiling to leave you, in case you stop breathing.  
"Falco, come on! Stay awake!"  
I get even less response this time. Come on Lombardi don't you dare die on me! I'll never forgive you!  
"Talk to me buddy, come on you like to shout at me!"  
Do anything! Kick me, shout at me, say something, anything, please!  
"I told you stay awake! Don't you dare go to sleep!"  
Why am I bothering, you never listened to me.  
"Come on Falco… Please hold on! If you go to sleep now… you won't wake up again!"  
Please don't die! I don't want you to! Come on stay with me, please… you can't! Come on Peppy!  
"Peppy make it quick ok?"  
"Yeah, it's alright Fox. we're coming"  
Please be quick! I think you're dying. When I shake you I don't get any response now, I can see you breathing… slowly… too slowly… come on Falco… just hold on a little longer, then Peppy'll be here and he'll take care of you… and we'll go home… together…

Sitting here… cowering under my Arwing's wing I begin to appreciate what you see in this place. On a better day this shore would have been beautiful… Today the elements seem to be fighting one another, maybe that's like us… always fighting. Here the sunshine is definitely loosing, most storms would have been dying down by now but this one keeps rumbling on, never seeming to get any closer or any further away. I understand why you wanted the rain to stop, maybe you could see the beauty there could have been without it. Not that rain is never beautiful… but too much of anything's painful.

I see light in the sky! Thank the stars, Peppy's nearly here and your still with me. Not long now buddy… not long…


	3. Worry

**Worry**

They need to sort this out on their own, but I find it so hard to let them. I suppose that's because I'm afraid of what could happen if they can't settle this stupid feud. They've had them before… but this time the costs of the rift seem so much higher… for all of us. We can't go on like this. I don't think Fox wanted to go, perhaps he would rather just pass him by and leave him to whatever fate lies ahead, and split our team down to three. I can't let that happen for Fox and Slippy's sake as well as my own. Fox thinks I'm stupid, that I worry too much… in this case I really hope I do. I don't want to see my nightmares embodied… but I fear I might have to… I need to know.

Falco you chose a strange place, a shoreline in a fierce thunderstorm… fifty miles east or west along the coast there's bright sunshine, so why did you choose here? But this wouldn't be the first time I found you standing out in one… you were stood staring at the sea then… are you doing that now? I suppose so… I never understood your fascination with thunderstorms.

Fox has landed… I hope you can be civil towards one another… and put aside your differences… they're what make you each unique… and endearing, in your own ways. Please don't fight again… don't rub salt in old wounds… It's always the old ones that hurt the most, I should know.

Great Fox's docking bay seems quieter than usual. There's just me and Slippy here, warming up the two-seat, somehow I have a feeling we'll need it. He seems nervous about something, worried… maybe for you Falco, probably. He's been avoiding me for the last little while, since a few days after we arrived in orbit around Dinosaur Planet. But that's probably completely unrelated… Please don't let _that_ be anything serious, I don't need another problem on my hands!  
"Peppy, can you bring the two-seat, I think Falco needs a lift"  
Foxy you'll never know the relief your words gave me, its like a towering weight is lifted from my shoulders, as I imagine that something I was missing will soon be back.  
"Sure thing Foxy… thanks"  
But as one pain lifts another settles like quicksand in my heart, why can't he fly? What am I going to find when I reach you?  
"Saddle up Slippy, time to go"  
We both swing into the Arwing and we're away.

Streaks of rain are running down the cockpit window, like tears. The clouds above us are grey, at least we're all united under the same sky again, I have to be grateful for small mercies. The ground is coming up to meet us rather fast. I can see Fox's Arwing glinting in the wet light, and another battle scarred one beyond that.

Touchdown is rather bumpy, but I'm past noticing such trivialities. I'm out of my Arwing in record time, maybe there's still life in my old bones yet! Its raining so hard it stings my skin, the water falling in my eyes is almost blinding. I can't find you… where are you? Slippy by my side seems no better than I am.

"Fox! Falco! Where are you?"  
I look towards the sea… where I expect Falco to be and see nothing, only a grey sky occasionally broken by lightning. The storm seems to be right overhead now, I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a waterfall.  
"Fox!" I try again.  
"They're over there!"  
Slippy's eyes must be better then mine. He's right.

We approach, what I see makes my heart go cold. They're together at least. Fox seems unwilling to let him go, there's real terror in his eyes… Oh please, don't let it be a corpse…


	4. Anger

**Anger**

He has the heating up all the way… I guess he's expecting the worst, but am I too. You made me a liar Falco Lombardi! For you I've lied to Fox, to General Pepper, but worst of all I've lied to Peppy! When he's been slowly driving himself crazy worrying about you! You're so stupid Falco! You have to keep up this tough guy thing! Like you don't care about anyone. Why do you bother? None of us are fooled, we know you better than that. So why all this secrecy? Do you enjoy seeing our hearts torn apart? You know Falco, I'm actually beginning to wonder if it wasn't all an act after all, and if that stuff about you not having a soul was true. I don't see how else you can stand to do this to us. When you get back up here you'd better have a good excuse for all this… or… or… I'll never forgive you.

Its emotional blackmail, what you did to me. You have no right! You all think that just because I'm younger, I'm less mature! I'm sick of being treated like the baby, you manipulated me Falco, with your threats, and your pleads… I can't shake the thought that you trusted me only because you were left with no choice. That hurts Falc'… You weren't the one who had to sit here and watch Peppy… … Don't you remember when we used to laugh behind Fox's back together… those endless days we spent in the docking bay, hiding from his temper, tinkering with my inventions…? I thought the world of you back then… In truth I thought the world of you until the day you walked out, and didn't come back… Falco… why are you doing this to us, and to yourself?

Krystal won't tell me anything. She's silent; I keep asking her what happened to you and she just shakes her head at me, with glazed eyes. Is _she_ protecting me too, treating me like a little baby? Did you tell her to do that? You've always tried to protect me, sometimes, I wish you wouldn't. She led us here, you know. Falco, how does she, of all people, know where to find you? What… happened down there?

Peppy suspects. He looks at me funny; he's making 'the face' a lot. We never could get anything past him could we? Remember that time we tried to sneak the doughnuts out of the fridge… or when you locked Fox in the airlock… I swear he has a sixth sense… that was funny though! You should have seen your face when he walked up the corridor! …I miss those days Falco, I miss _you_. We all do…

Be nice to Foxy, even he doesn't deserve your hatred… not now… he's hurting… because of you. Is that what you wanted?  
"Peppy, can you bring the two-seat, I think Falco needs a lift"  
Thank goodness for that, Fox has used his brain for once, you haven't been fit to fly for the last week, you should have been in a hospital when you were fighting Andross.  
"Sure thing Foxy. Saddle up Slippy, time to go"

The floodgates are about to open, aren't they? Hell here we go.


	5. Shame

**Shame**

I'm glad they found you. But then they would. I led them here. My conscience got the better of me in the end. After all we went through together, after everything you did for me, I guessed I owed you one. I don't know you'll thank me for it though. I can still feel you. Do you feel me? Do you know I'm here? Are you pleased about that? Somehow I doubt it. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms did we? I'm ashamed of myself.

I asked you once what you thought would happen if I made Fox choose between you and me… in that unkind way that I had… I realise now how much of a fool I was to think it. If the choice was forced I don't know I would have faired as favourably as I once thought. My foolishness was only outmatched by yours, believing these people didn't care about you. I knew that then, almost as clearly as I know it now, but I was callous, and angry, willing to enjoy the pain of others if it took me away from my own situation. Does that make me as bad as the monsters that made you this way? I guess… what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry… This is my way of trying to show that… I'm trying to mend your family… It would be nice to see, now that mine is so irrevocably obliterated. I envy you…

Fox does worry about you, you know. Even if he does give you more credit than you give him. He doesn't put that into words, it's not his style, even I can tell that. He mentioned you to me… mentioned his worry… maybe its easier to open up to a stranger… Or perhaps like you said, any girl in a bikini. I watched his eyes wordlessly search the starry void for you, and saw his disappointment upon finding nothing. That stupid cloak's done you more harm than anything else ever has! He's been really kind to me, maybe I see a side of him you don't, a side he's afraid to show to you. He doesn't love me, he would be a fool to, but I think he loves you, underneath all that armour. Do you honestly think that he wouldn't swap me for you?

Peppy can look through me. It was him that made me decide to lead them here. That and the little voice in the back of my head, not yours for once, but sounding more like it the longer I denied it. I don't know what it is, but somehow his eyes seemed to look through me, like he knew… knew everything. I know what you mean about him now… I feel like an open book under his gaze, he's not the kind of man you could keep secrets from, or the kind you would want to hurt. I understand why you didn't come back to them. You'd go to the ends of the Federation to protect them. But they would go to the end of the Universe, and beyond if they could to help you. I only wish I could make you see that.

So here we are… Please don't hate me for bringing them. I think it's for the best, maybe one day you'll think that too… and begin to forgive me. I'm frightened for you, standing at the edge of that cliff. Did you come here to throw yourself over it… now that you don't have to support me? I hope you won't. In doing so you would destroy more lives than just your own. That's what you've been trying to avoid for so long isn't it… I don't think the pain you fear can be avoided. Maybe its time you let us help you… and we can go on together, or rather, I can take my turn to disappear, and allow your family to embrace you. Let us help you Falco…

Fox seems to be getting through to you… I'm watching… It's my turn to play the part of guardian angel. I wonder what he's said… I don't think it would take many words to bring you round, at least not from him. Deep down you want the same thing as everyone else, mercenary or not. You just want to be loved, and not feel alone. No-one can blame you for that, and no-one should blame you for your mistakes. No-one should have a right to. Least of all me.

The four of you are, as you said, an odd family, but you look right together, somehow. You are a token picture of the union between this Federation's many races. Maybe you don't live in perfect harmony, no family does, but you care about each other. When the muck hits the fan, that's all that matters.


End file.
